ITis a melancholly Object to those who walk through this great Town of West Bromwich, or travel in the Black Country or West Midlands or for that matter any such province; when they see the Streets, the Roads, and Cabbin-doors crowded with Beggars from the Arts Council, followed by three, four, or six art graduates, all in Rags, and importuning every Passenger, collecter, trustee, curator and patron for an Alms.! These officers, instead of being able to work for their honest Livelyhood, are forced to employ all their Time in stroling to beg Sustenance for their helpless artists; who, as they grow up, either turn to portraiture or web design for want of Work; or leave their dear Native County, to fight for the Pretenders in London or Liverpool; or sell themselves to the Berliners and Venitians.

I THINK it is agreed by all Parties, that, this prodigious Number of artists in the Arms, or on the Backs, or at the Heels of their funders, and frequently of their tutors, is in the present and soon to be deplorable State of the Kingdom, a very great additional Grievance; and therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy Method of making these Artists sound and usefull Members of the Commonwealth, would deserve so well of the Publick, as to have his Statue set up for a Preserver of the Nation.

BUT my Intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the Artists of professed Universities: It is of a much greater Extent, and shall take in the whole Number of Artists at a certain Age, who are born of Education, in effect as little able to support them, as those who demand our Charity in the Streets. As to my own Part, having turned my Thoughts for many Years, upon this important Subject, and maturely weighed the several Schemes of other Projectors, I have always found them grosly mistaken in their Computation. It is true, a Artist just dropt from its third year, may be supported by her networks, for a Solar Year with little other Nourishment. And, it is exactly at one Year old, that I propose to provide for them in such a Manner, as, instead of being a Charge upon their local council, or the Parish, or wanting community projects and Raiment for the rest of their Lives; they shall, on the contrary, contribute to the Feeding, and partly to the Cloathing, of many Thousands.

THERE is likewise another great Advantage in my Scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary course transfers, and that horrid Practice of the viva voca murdering their bastard graduates; alas! too frequent among us; sacrificing the poor innocent artists, I doubt, more to avoid the Expence than the Shame; which ,would move Tears and Pity in the most Savage and inhuman Breast.

THE Number of Souls in Art Education and just fallen or passes out being usually reckoned one hundred and fifty six thousand (1.) and a half; of these I calculate there may be about seventy Thousand Artist, designers and creatives whose Parents are Bankers or better; from which Number I subtract thirty thousand, through the noble art of teaching and the PGCE, who are able to maintain their own as art teachers; although I apprehend I here cannot be so many, under the present Distresses of the Kingdom; but this being granted, there will remain a three dozen Universities and colleges. I again subtract Sixteen Thousand for those Artists that die by Accident, or Disease, within the Year. Take then the staple stock of London I calculate Ten thousand ready for some form of gameful if not dishonest employment, leaves thirty Thousand Artists of poor universities and colleges: The Question therefore is, How this Number shall he reared, and provided for? Which, as I have already said, under the present Situation of Affairs, is utterly impossible, by all the Methods hitherto proposed: For we can neither employ them in Handicraft or Agriculture, art fairs or Open exhibitions are plenty but they survive one, two applications before running back to the breast or seeking arts council; we neither build them artists studios (I mean in the County) nor cultivate buyers or a market: They can seldom pick up a Livelyhood by exhibiting until they arrive on the scene six Years old; except where they are of towardly Parts; although, I confess, they learn the Rudiments much earlier; during which Time, they can, however, be properly looked upon as Probationers; as I have been informed by a principal Gentleman in county of Eastside, who protested to me, that he never knew above one or two Instances post millenium that artists less of six, even in a Part of the Kingdom so renowned for the quickest Proficiency in that Art.

I AM assured by our Merchants, that an arts graduate before twelve Years of this and that residency, is no saleable Commodity; and even when they come to this Age, they will not yield above Three Pounds, or Three Pounds and half a Crown at most, on the Exchange; which cannot return to Account either to the PhD or Kingdom; the Charge of Nutriment and Rags, having been at least four Times that Value.

I SHALL now therefore humbly propose my own Thoughts; which I hope will not be liable to the least Objection.

I HAVE been assured by a very knowing American of my Acquaintance in London; that a young healthy Artist, well nursed, is, at a Year past graduation, a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome Food; whether Stewed, Roasted, Baked, or Boiled; and, I make no doubt, that it will equally serve in a Fricasie, or Ragout.

I DO therefore humbly offer it to the Publick for Consideration, that of the Thirty Thousand Artists, already computed, Two thousand may be reserved for research posts and teaching; whereof only one Fourth Part to be Third class degrees; which is more than we allow to Sheep, black Cattle, or Swine; and my Reason is, that these Artists are seldom the Fruits of market, a Circumstance not much regarded by our Savages; therefore, four Graduate with a Third class degree will be sufficient to serve one established artist as a technician. That the remaining Twenty Eight thousand, may, at a Year old, be offered in Sale to the Persons of Quality and Fortune, through the Kingdom; always advising the final year tutors to let them suck plenty fully in the last Month, so as to render them plump, and fat for a good Table. An artist will make two Dishes at an Entertainment for Friends or a Bloomberg Private View; and when the Family dines alone, the fore and hind Quarter will make a reasonable Dish; and seasoned with a little Pepper or Salt, will be very good Boiled on the Fourth, Day, especially in Winter.

I HAVE reckoned upon a Medium, that an Artist just graduated will weight Nine to Twelve stone; and in a solar Year, filled with of Open exhibitions, A failed debuton to the New Contemporaries; Sum twenty pounds, the Summer Show; Sum twenty five pounds and then the regional fair West Mids; twenty five pounds, the list goes on Cheltenham, East, Salon, Margate and now Worcester. A pricly sum for those inept at networking, ny they should be encourage to gorge and fill up at private views, and if tolerably nursed, encreaseth to Twelve to twenty Stone.

I GRANT this Food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for gallerists; who, as they have already devoured most of the tutors, seem to have the best Title to the Artists.

ARTISTS Flesh will be in Season throughout the Year; but more plentiful in November, and a little before and after: For we are told by a grave Author, an eminent French Phlosopher, that Thai food being a prolifick Dyet, there are more Artists accepted onto PhD courses Nine Months after graduation, than at any other Season:? Therefore reckoning a Year after AHRC funding is spent on friends and x-YBA’s, the Markets will be more glutted than usual; because the Number of eager Artists, is, at least, three to one in this Kingdom; and therefore it will have one other Collateral Advantage, by lessening the Number of research opportunities among us.

I HAVE already computed the Charge of educating a University arts student (in which List I reckon all Colleges, Labourers, and Four fifths of the Universities) to be about Five Thousand pounds per Annum, Rags included; and I believe, no Gentleman would repine to give two hundren pounds for the Carcase of a good fat Artist; which, as I have said, will make four Dishes of excellent nutritive Meat, when he hath only some particular Friend, or his own Family, 10 dine with him. Thus the curator will learn to be a good gallerist, and grow new artist-led studios popular among the graduates; the Universities will have three thousnd net Profit, and be fit for Work until it produceth another year of Artists.
THOSE who are more thrifty (as I must confess the Times require) may flay the Carcase; the Skin of which, artificially dressed, will make admirable Gloves for hedge fund managers, and Summer hats for fine Advertising moguls. As to our City of West Midlands; Bromwich may be appointed for this Purpose, I figure the construction and commission of two more Publik's, and in the most convenient Parts of it; alongside Butchers who may be assured will not be wanting; although I rather recommend buying the Artists alive, and dressing them hot from the Knife, as we do roasting Pigs.

A VERY worthy Person, a true Lover of Art, and whose Virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased, in discoursing on this Matter, to offer a Refinement upon my Scheme. He said, that many Gentlemen of this Kingdom, having of late made 'new' neo-conceptualist reputations amongst far Eastern artists; he conceived that his own collection of works might be well supplied by the Bodies of young Artists from a far. And these to be disposed of by their representation, if alive, or otherwise by their nearest Relations. But with due Deference to so excellent a Friend, I cannot be altogether share in his Sentiments. For as to Eastern artists, an American Acquaintance assured me from frequent Experience, that their Flesh was generally tough, like that of our YBA’s, by continual media Exercise; and their Taste disagreeable; and to fatten them would not answer the Charge. Then, as to the younger, relationtional athletes it would, I think, with humble Submission, be a Loss to the Publick, because they soon would become senior lecturers themselves: And besides it is not improbable, that some scrupulous People might be apt to censure such a Practice (although indeed very unjustly) as a little bordering upon Cruelty; which, I confess, hath always been with me the strongest Objection against any Project, how well soever intended.

SOME arts officers of a desponding Spirit are in great Concern about that vast Number of poor Universities, who are Aged, Diseased, or Maimed by homoginisation; and I have been desired to employ my Thoughts what Course may be taken, to ease the Nation of so grievous an Incumbrance. But I am not in the least Pain upon that Matter; because it is very well known, that they are every Day dying, and rotting, by Cold and Famine, and Filth, and Vermin, as fast as can be reasonably expected. And as to the younger Labourers, they are now in almost as hopeful a Condition: They cannot get Work, residencies, commissions or representation and consequently pine away for Want of Nourishment, to a Degree, that if at any Time they are accidentally hired to common Labour, they have not Strength to perform it; and thus the Country, and themselves, are in a fair Way of being soon delivered from the Evils to come.

I HAVE too long digressed; and therefore shall return to my Subject. I think the Advantages by the Proposal which I have made, are obvious, and many, as well as of the highest Importance.

FOR, First, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the Number of artist-led spaces, with whom we are yearly over-run after funding and support; being the principal Breeders of the Nation, as well as our most dangerous Enemies; and who stay at home in their garrets of origin on Purpose, with a Design to deliver the Kingdom to the Pretender; hoping to take their Advantage by the Absence of so many good Artists, who have chosen rather to leave their County, than stay at home, and pay Tithes against their Conscience, to an idolatrous Curators.

SECONDLY, The poorer Universities will have something valuble of their own, which, by Law, may be made liable to Distress, and help to pay their saleries and sabbatical entitlements; their own art being already seized, and Money a Thing unknown.

THIRDLY, Whereas the Maintenance of an Twenty Eight Thousand Artists, having graduated two Years old, and upwards, cannot be computed at less than two Hundred a Piece per Annum, the Nation's Stock will be thereby encreased Fifty Thousand pounds per Annum; besides the Profit of a new Dish, introduced to the Tables of all Gallerits of Fortune in the Kingdom, who have any Refinement in Taste; and the Money will circulate among our selves, the Goods being entirely of our own Growth and Manufacture.

FOURTLY, The constant Education of artists, besides the Gain of Eight Shillings Sterling per Annum, by the Sale of their graduates, will be rid of the Charge of maintaining them after the first Year.

FIFTHLY, This Food would likewise bring great Custom to Taverns, where the Vintners will certainly be so prudent, as to procure the best Receipts for. dressing it to Perfection; and consequently, have their galleries frequented by all the fine Gentlemen, who justly value themselves upon their Knowledge in good Eating; and a skilful Cook, who understands how to oblige his Guests, will contrive to make it as expensive as they please.

SIXTHLY, This would be a great Inducement to gain more international, students which from all wise Nations have either encouraged by Rewards, or enforced by Laws and Penalties. It would encrease the Care and Tenderness of Universities towards their art students, when they were sure of a Settlement for Life, to the poor Artists, provided in some Sort by the Publick, to their annual Profit instead of Expence. We should soon see an honest Emulation among the Arts officers and tutors, which of them could bring the fattest Artist to the Market. Tutors would become as fond of their workplace, during the term Time, as they are now of their job security in recession, their morgages, or exhibitions when they are ready to farrow; nor offer to beat or kick them, (as it is too frequent a Practice) for fear of a slimming the artist through worry or a lack of confidence.

MANY other Advantages might be enumerated. For Instance, the Addition of some Thousand Carcasses in our Exportation of barrelled Beef: The Propagation of Swines Flesh, and Improvement in the Art of making good Bacon; so much wanted among us by the great Destruction of Pigs, too frequent at our Tables, which are no way comparable in Taste, or Magnificence, to a well-grown fat yearly Artist; which, roasted whole, will make a considerable Figure at a Lord Mayor's Feast, or at another Publick Entertainment. But this, and many others, I omit; being studious of Brevity.

SUPPOSING that one Thousand Families in this City, would be constant Customers for Artists Flesh; besides others who might have it at merry private views, particularly at retrospectives and Biennales; I compute that West Bromich and the Publick would take off annually, about Twenty Thousand Carcasses; and the rest of the Kingdom (where probably they will be sold somewhat cheaper) the remaining Eighty Thousand.

I CAN think of no one Objection, that will possibly be raised against this Proposal; unless it should be urged, that the Number of People will be thereby much lessened in the Kingdom. This I freely own; and it was indeed one principal Design in offering it to the World. I desire the Reader will observe, that I calculate my Remedy for this one individual Kingdom of the West Mids, and for no other that ever was, is, or I think ever can be upon Earth. Therefore, let no Man talk to me of other Expedients Of taxing our Absentees at five Shillings a Pound: Of using neither Cloaths, nor Houshold Furniture; except what is of our own Growth and Manufacture: Of utterly rejecting the Materials and Instruments that promote foreign Luxury: Of curing the Expensiveness of Pride, Vanity, Idleness, and Gaming in our Universities: Of introducing a Vein of Parsimony, Prudence and Temperance: Of learning to love our County; Of quitting our Animosities, and Factions; or act any longer like the Jews, who were murdering one and other at the very Moment their City was taken: Of being a little cautious not to sell our Country and Consciences for nothing: Of teaching gallerists to have, at least, one Degree of Mercy towards their Artists. Lastly, Of putting a Spirit of honesty, Industry, and Skill into our older Artists; who, if a resolution could now be taken to buy only our native Goods, Would immediately unite to cheat and exact upon us in the price the Measure, and the Goodness; nor could ever yet be brought to make one fair Proposal of just Dealing, though often and earnestly invited to it.

THEREFORE I repeat; let no Man talk to me of these and the like Expedients; till he hath, at least, a Glimpse of Hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere Attempt to put them art graduates into sustainable practice. But, as to my self; having been wearied out for many Years with offering vain, idle, visionary Thoughts; and at length utterly despairing of Success, I fortunately fell upon this Proposal; which, as it is not wholly new, so it hath something solid and real, of no Expence, and little Trouble, full in our own Power; and whereby we can incur no Danger in disobliging ARTS COUNCIL ENGLAND: For, this Kind of Commodity will not bear Exportation; the Flesh being of too tender a Consistence, to admit a long Continuance in Salt; although, perhaps, I could name an institution, which would be glad to eat up our whole Nation without it.

AFTER all, I am not so violently bent upon my own Opinion, as to reject any Offer proposed by wise Arts officers, which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual. I desire those Politicians, who dislike my Overture, and may perhaps be so bold to attempt an Answer, that they will first ask the machine, the political and rulling class that proliferate the Priciple positions in these Universities, Whether they would not, at this Day, think it a great Happiness to have been sold for Food at a Year old, in the Manner I prescribe; and thereby have avoided such a perpetual Scene of Misfortunes, as they have since gone through; by the Oppression of classic and academia over the alchemy and transendence of realities in art; the Impossibility of paying Rent, without Money or Trade; the Want of common Sustenance, with neither House nor Cloaths, to cover them from the Inclemencies of the Weather; and the most inevitable Prospect of intailing the like, or greater Miseries upon their Breed for ever.

The original essay that this text is taken from is Johnathan Swift's A Modest Proposal written in 1729.